In his words....

So after 10 years my son Trevor (now 21) has decided 

to take up the goalie gear again.

Unfortunately he seems to be having a problem finding a team

Small town living doesn't provide a lot of opportunities

But for now he can at least play drop-in.

He's a little worried because he hasn't done it since 

he was PeeWee age,

when, admittedly, he was awesome.

He quit because of his attitude at the time

Long story that is...

but now, when he sees his old coach 

watching a local Junior A team 

His coach says, "you could have been there too"

And Trevor says "I know, I wish I hadn't have quit".

Carey Price, goalie for Montreal, is his hero

because he's from a small town an hour north of here

and made it to big-time NHL.

"That could have been me" he says.

If nothing else, he learned a lesson about quitting with all that.

Anyways, as I said, he's a little nervous

So I suggested that he go to what is called "stick'n'puck"

Kind of a free for all where there are pucks for everyone 

and you just practice on your own.

He gave me a horrified look and said, in all earnestness

"But then people will shoot on me!"

Um, news flash Trevor, that's what happens when you're a goalie.

Or had you forgotten that part?

A list.......things to remember,

There are things in life that are seemingly a "no duh"

to borrow a phrase from my teenagerhood.

But I'm going to remind myself of them.

Things I would tell my children

but sometimes have a hard time living up to myself.

Happy is as happy does.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say nuthin' at all.

If you don't get at it, when you get to it, you won't get to it

to get at it again.

Hating someone is letting them live rent-free in your head. 

Don't do something permanently stupid just because

you're temporarily upset.

(one month or so later)
I started the above and never posted it.
Today I wanted to let out how I am feeling
 but didn't want to do it on Facebook
because I don't want my kids to see and worry about me,
but it sort of goes like this:

Just when you think you have it figured out,
you are feeling better about yourself and the things you do
it comes at you from a different angle and slaps you upside the head,
reminding you that you can fight it, and make a damned good effort
but it will always be there because it's a part of who you are. 

No, I'm not depressed

I'm not depressed

I do not take pleasure in the things that I used to enjoy.

I haven't picked up my camera in weeks, don't take it with me wherever I go

Don't post or join in the conversations on my photography group's facebook page,

don't go to group photo sessions.

I don't go to Friday night cards anymore with my group of friends

That they are much better people that I am

That I don't deserve their company.

I've done some really bad things since springtime.

I skipped hockey Tuesday night 

and will have to force myself to go tonight.  

I haven't picked up a knitting needle, crochet needle or cross-stitch needle in months.

Haven't gone on bike rides around the lake

but that's because the bears this year are everywhere

and I don't want to surprise a mama with her cubs

or come between a papa and the berry bushes or apple trees.

 I'm not depressed.  

Those are definitely some of the signs.

But I've been clinically depressed before

and I know what that feels like.

I don't feel unfulfilled.

I still scrapbook and read.

I still work and enjoy my work for the most part.

I do enjoy my time alone.

I want time alone.  

The more time alone the better.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

The line in the sand.

Someone not too long ago shared with me their line in the sand theory

When I said that line is so often blurry

They said that no, on the contrary, it is very clear.

I thought about that, and still think about that a lot.

It has become a good analogy for me, a guideline.

The problem is the tide.

It comes in and washes away that line 

little by little until it is obliterated.

It gets to the point where I don't even know where it was.

I recently found out those tides have been coming at me for 36 years.

So, I start over once again and draw a new line.

Every time digging it a little deeper

gouging it with my heels as deep as I can.

The tides are a never-ending part of the universe.

As long as there is gravity and water, the tides will be there.

but maybe so is my ability

to keep on digging.

Until one day, the line will be there for good. 

Little things mean a lot...

Feeling blessed to have my 20-year-old son at home still

Have had a hard time lately

keeping it together

spent a week in the hospital.

Yesterday he came home and disappeared outside immediately

I called him but he didn't answer so wasn't sure where he went off to.

Then he walked in with a handful of wildflowers for me and told me he loved me.

How many 20-year-olds still pick wildflowers for their mothers?

I am blessed indeed. 

Down the hatch....

I visited the coast this weekend for my mom's 75th birthday

If she knew I was writing her age anywhere she'd be upset!

We spent the day in Vancouver,

taking the Skytrain to Canada Place

walking along the new portion of the seawall 

that now connects Canada Place to Stanley Park

Probably walked 15 km that day.

But this post is about this seagull

We watched him pluck a starfish from the barnacles

Fly with it to a dock 

and proceed to eat it. 

I expected him (or her) to tear it apart first

but nope.

He lifted his head and with some effort

swallowed it whole.  

It was fascinating to watch it literally make it's way down his gullet

Gave me the weebeegeebies to think of those arms and tentacles moving around inside.

Sushi anyone?

Texting and walking and macros.

Walking and shooting macro is hard, because your heart is beating faster. Walking and shooting macro while texting with someone is harder, and when that someone is making you angry, it's harder yet. Surprised these turned out I was shaking so bad.

Gonna try again

I have been finding that blogging has given way to facebooking.

Blogging is more artsy, more personal, and has introduced me to great people

But it takes more time.  

So easy to just post on facebook.

But blogging also offers the opportunity to have a permanent record in a diary form

Because you can print your blog pages, which I did once.

I have researched printing facebook posts in a book form, the one site I found was not very versatile in its choices.

So, when I make a facebook post, I am going to try to blog it as well.

I am going to try to resist spending an hour or more per day

visiting old friends.  I see most of you are still active and I miss you all.

Its' not because I don't want to, but because I don't want to end up deciding, yet again,

that blogging takes too much time.  Maybe I just need to prioritize again. 

So, if any comments are made, I appreciate them

and I am sure that I will visit you now and then

but I have to do this for me, and to create a record of me

and who I am, for myself and my children and maybe even my children's children.

Love, me