In his words....

So after 10 years my son Trevor (now 21) has decided 

to take up the goalie gear again.

Unfortunately he seems to be having a problem finding a team

Small town living doesn't provide a lot of opportunities

But for now he can at least play drop-in.

He's a little worried because he hasn't done it since 

he was PeeWee age,

when, admittedly, he was awesome.

He quit because of his attitude at the time

Long story that is...

but now, when he sees his old coach 

watching a local Junior A team 

His coach says, "you could have been there too"

And Trevor says "I know, I wish I hadn't have quit".

Carey Price, goalie for Montreal, is his hero

because he's from a small town an hour north of here

and made it to big-time NHL.

"That could have been me" he says.

If nothing else, he learned a lesson about quitting with all that.

Anyways, as I said, he's a little nervous

So I suggested that he go to what is called "stick'n'puck"

Kind of a free for all where there are pucks for everyone 

and you just practice on your own.

He gave me a horrified look and said, in all earnestness

"But then people will shoot on me!"

Um, news flash Trevor, that's what happens when you're a goalie.

Or had you forgotten that part?

A list.......things to remember,

There are things in life that are seemingly a "no duh"

to borrow a phrase from my teenagerhood.

But I'm going to remind myself of them.

Things I would tell my children

but sometimes have a hard time living up to myself.

Happy is as happy does.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say nuthin' at all.

If you don't get at it, when you get to it, you won't get to it

to get at it again.

Hating someone is letting them live rent-free in your head. 

Don't do something permanently stupid just because

you're temporarily upset.

(one month or so later)
I started the above and never posted it.
Today I wanted to let out how I am feeling
 but didn't want to do it on Facebook
because I don't want my kids to see and worry about me,
but it sort of goes like this:

Just when you think you have it figured out,
you are feeling better about yourself and the things you do
it comes at you from a different angle and slaps you upside the head,
reminding you that you can fight it, and make a damned good effort
but it will always be there because it's a part of who you are. 

No, I'm not depressed

I'm not depressed

I do not take pleasure in the things that I used to enjoy.

I haven't picked up my camera in weeks, don't take it with me wherever I go

Don't post or join in the conversations on my photography group's facebook page,

don't go to group photo sessions.

I don't go to Friday night cards anymore with my group of friends

That they are much better people that I am

That I don't deserve their company.

I've done some really bad things since springtime.

I skipped hockey Tuesday night 

and will have to force myself to go tonight.  

I haven't picked up a knitting needle, crochet needle or cross-stitch needle in months.

Haven't gone on bike rides around the lake

but that's because the bears this year are everywhere

and I don't want to surprise a mama with her cubs

or come between a papa and the berry bushes or apple trees.

 I'm not depressed.  

Those are definitely some of the signs.

But I've been clinically depressed before

and I know what that feels like.

I don't feel unfulfilled.

I still scrapbook and read.

I still work and enjoy my work for the most part.

I do enjoy my time alone.

I want time alone.  

The more time alone the better.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

The line in the sand.

Someone not too long ago shared with me their line in the sand theory

When I said that line is so often blurry

They said that no, on the contrary, it is very clear.

I thought about that, and still think about that a lot.

It has become a good analogy for me, a guideline.

The problem is the tide.

It comes in and washes away that line 

little by little until it is obliterated.

It gets to the point where I don't even know where it was.

I recently found out those tides have been coming at me for 36 years.

So, I start over once again and draw a new line.

Every time digging it a little deeper

gouging it with my heels as deep as I can.

The tides are a never-ending part of the universe.

As long as there is gravity and water, the tides will be there.

but maybe so is my ability

to keep on digging.

Until one day, the line will be there for good. 

Little things mean a lot...

Feeling blessed to have my 20-year-old son at home still

Have had a hard time lately

keeping it together

spent a week in the hospital.

Yesterday he came home and disappeared outside immediately

I called him but he didn't answer so wasn't sure where he went off to.

Then he walked in with a handful of wildflowers for me and told me he loved me.

How many 20-year-olds still pick wildflowers for their mothers?

I am blessed indeed. 

Down the hatch....

I visited the coast this weekend for my mom's 75th birthday

If she knew I was writing her age anywhere she'd be upset!

We spent the day in Vancouver,

taking the Skytrain to Canada Place

walking along the new portion of the seawall 

that now connects Canada Place to Stanley Park

Probably walked 15 km that day.

But this post is about this seagull

We watched him pluck a starfish from the barnacles

Fly with it to a dock 

and proceed to eat it. 

I expected him (or her) to tear it apart first

but nope.

He lifted his head and with some effort

swallowed it whole.  

It was fascinating to watch it literally make it's way down his gullet

Gave me the weebeegeebies to think of those arms and tentacles moving around inside.

Sushi anyone?

Texting and walking and macros.

Walking and shooting macro is hard, because your heart is beating faster. Walking and shooting macro while texting with someone is harder, and when that someone is making you angry, it's harder yet. Surprised these turned out I was shaking so bad.

Gonna try again

I have been finding that blogging has given way to facebooking.

Blogging is more artsy, more personal, and has introduced me to great people

But it takes more time.  

So easy to just post on facebook.

But blogging also offers the opportunity to have a permanent record in a diary form

Because you can print your blog pages, which I did once.

I have researched printing facebook posts in a book form, the one site I found was not very versatile in its choices.

So, when I make a facebook post, I am going to try to blog it as well.

I am going to try to resist spending an hour or more per day

visiting old friends.  I see most of you are still active and I miss you all.

Its' not because I don't want to, but because I don't want to end up deciding, yet again,

that blogging takes too much time.  Maybe I just need to prioritize again. 

So, if any comments are made, I appreciate them

and I am sure that I will visit you now and then

but I have to do this for me, and to create a record of me

and who I am, for myself and my children and maybe even my children's children.

Love, me

Kayden

 

 

Just when I was getting back into blogging,

my little unborn grandson passed away

and I had to take a break.

 

The poor baby had problems which would have made

life outside his mother's womb very difficult

 

but it still broke our hearts

We hope he's in a good place now.

 

Kayden, you'll always be in our hearts

and we will always wonder what could have been.

Introducing a new blogger to visit!

Recently I reconnected with an old friend from elementary school, Lisa.

This is she and I at a Girl Guide Winter Camp.

 

 

 

We lost touch when I moved across the country when I was 12

but over the last few months I realized that she is a lot like me in many ways

and suggested that maybe she would like blogging.

 

She has started a new blog here:

http://synapses46.blogspot.ca/

and I urge you all to check her out and show some blog support.

I've met some great people blogging and I'm sure she will too.

 

I told her if she builds it you will come,

so here's to Lisa and her new blog. 

Somewhat better

 

I took Rick's words to heart and printed out those 228 pages into a booklet form

and studied up about focusing.

 

I think I have the beginnings of knowledge of how to do it when the camera doesn't want to

(and no, camera, you can't "just say no")

 

So now what I need to do is practice, practice, practice until I can do it in my sleep and in my waking state without needing to look it up.

 

As I look at it now though I see that I was in a little too close and cut too much off the background.  I think that's what my friend Lisa's suggestion about wide angle meant as I read up on that,

seems it does not mean what I thought it meant.  I thought it just meant a wider picture, with more in the sides, but I think it has to do more with depth of the picture?  Correct me if I'm wrong please.

 

 I couldn't find it in the manual....I think the

index leaves a lot to be desired because I know I zacksidnetally saw it show up as an option as

I looked through the lens one time....it has to be there somewhere.

 

That will be my next learning goal.

 

Thanks for the pointers and keep them coming.



the more things change the more they stay the same

 

I walked by here this afternoon, sans camera, and thought what a beautiful picture this would make

I wasn't exactly sans camera, I did have my cell phone but it didn't do it justice.

 

unfortunately, neither did my camera camera, as you can see.  I did edit them with the "Orton" setting in Picmonkey so they are presentable, but not what I saw through the lenses of my eyes.

 

 

So I thought I'd change angles but try as I might, I could not get the focus onto the flowers, it kept going onto the logs behind.  There's a setting on my camera, called "ISO" that I think is supposed to take care of the problem, and let you pick the area you want to focus on, but it
JUST WON"T WORK!!

 

 

When I look back to starting this blog five years ago, I had that problem then,

and now with a newer camera that was won as a prize, which I really don't like because I can't figure it out, I still have the same problem. 

 

This camera comes with a manual, 200 and some odd pages, on a CD.  What am I supposed to do, carry my laptop around with me whenever I want to take pictures so that I can access the manual?  I keep meaning to print it out but haven't gotten around to it.  Writing to the company (Sony) for a manual produced no results, they don't print them.

 

When I finally get my driver's license back in a few weeks, after two and a half years (don't ask) I am going to sign up for the next photography class/club that I can find, which may only happen a few times a year in my small town.  And if I still can't figure it out, that's it, I'm getting a new camera. 

 



Finally, a subject that never fails me, something I can count on to always be there for me...

my Monty dog.



Technology funny bones

 

My son changes his Facebook profile like he changes his socks

in his words "I just keep taking better pictures of myself."

 

 

We both got new phones last week

I requested the simplest phone I could get that takes good pictures.

They sold me the Sony Xperia M.

 

The reason we got new phones was that I hated my old one, which was finally paid off,

 I never liked it from day one

and Trevor lost his old one,

most likely he left it on his car as he drove off, as when he tried to phone it it was turned off,

a good indication that it was broken as he had a password on it where someone finding it

shouldn't be able to do anything to it. 

So his new one is the newest model of his old one,

 an HTC

 

Anyway, I asked him today if he ever installed that 'find my phone" app on his new one,

so while I was eating my breakfast, he was complaining about how

technologically complicated the app was. 

I suggested maybe the one installed on his (and my) phone would be easier. 

So after going through all the steps on the first one, he tried that one.

 

When he tried it out, the answer to where is my phone was:

"Your phone is in your hands."

 

I thought that was hilariously funny. 

Almost choked on my porridge and berries

Still chuckling over it. 

 

Just now he popped his head in my office and said

"Wait a minute, if I lost my phone, how would I ask my phone where it was?"

 

Good question. 

 

I suppose there's a technologically smart answer, like accessing it from your

computer or another phone or something.

 

I'm still laughing over "your phone is in your hands"

 

Duh!!! 

 



Mother's Day at Mom's

 

It's been a long time since I was with my mom on Mother's Day

25 years to be exact

Ever since I moved "up north"

 

Not that we haven't seen each other of course,

just not on Mother's Day

It has also been four years since I have been down to "the coast"

Again, not that I haven't seen her, just, due to circumstances, I haven't been down there

Gerry has, but he goes every February for his mom's birthday (she just turned 90)

and being that we live where we do,

somebody needs to be here in the winter, literally to keep the home fires burning

we only have wood heat here and things would quickly freeze at -30 C

without that wood stove burning 24/7.

 

So, we had a nice day.

We offered to take her out for breakfast/brunch

but she said what she would really like is for me to make a big breakfast

and us all to sit down together

"like you do at Christmas"

so, sausages, eggs, toast and hashbrowns it was

Yummy.

 

Then she had a list of yard work for us to do.

Tree trimming for the guys

(luckily I found a hedge trimmer in the shed that she didn't know she had...

and bonus....it worked!)

and for me putting new spool on her weedeater and showing her how to use it

Trevor wanted me to find my old skateboard from when I was a teenager, he wanted to see what it was like

Mom was sure she still had it, that old wooden board that at one time I painted blue and put glittery heart stickers all over, but despite turning the shed and the storage basement area upside, down,

I couldn't find it.

 

 

then, after the chores were done (boy, I love the recycling options they have, worth writing a post about that is)

we went with the four of us to visit Gerry's mother

visited with her for the afternoon where Gerry's daughter came to pick up Trevor

and take him to her place for the night.

 

 

Then home again to another me-cooked meal

and a relaxing evening.

 

The only thing missing was that Jeremy was far away in Alberta

but I did talk to him anyway

Baby is doing better and things are looking up in that area,

so next Mother's Day, I may be a grandma!



prayer call

 

This is my grandson, to be named Kayden, at 16 weeks gestation.

He is now 26 weeks gestation and not doing well.

His mother has a heart condition and he has inherited it as well

and is not growing and has a slow heart beat.
The outlook is not positive.

 

For me to pray would be hypocritical but

I am being desperate and asking for prayers

in the possibility that they may do some good, not wanting to rule anything out.

 

All I want is what's best for my son. 

This baby was unplanned for but his parents decided to live with

the huge change this would bring to their young lives

and do their best for this child.

 

I don't know what's best for any of them,

my son, his girlfriend or the baby

but what I want most is what's best for my son, whatever that may be.

He's the one I love and my heart aches for him.

I wish he was here but he's not, living in another province.

 

Jeremy, I love you.

 

 

 

 

 



If today stood still.......

 

says mom to me

"are you all caught up with your scrapbooking"

says me to mom

'no, not yet, getting there."

 

The fact is, the only way I'd ever catch up with my scrapbooking is if

time stood still

 

Who doesn't wish for that every now and then?

Especially on Saturdays, my day off.

 

Any yes, that is snow outside, it was white out when I got up this morning

and it's still snowing.

Two days ago it was 25°C (77°F to the Yanks)

 but that is not something I am going to concentrate on today!!

Gonna make like an ostrich and stick my head in the ground on that one.

 

As I just keep scrappin'.



New....

 

New flag for the upcoming summer

(note to self: next year at this time of year, when I replace the flag,

make sure I haven't put it on upside down before I lift the heavy pole

and step by step it into it's holder)

 

*

New blog outlook

(can't figure out how to stretch my header photo out...will have to work on that)

 

*

 

New resolve

(am working on this 365 day project for my scrapbook, though not every day

and decided a lot of those photos are good blog posts too,

plus, a lot of times facebook is just not the forum for rambling)

 

*

New diet.  Again.  Feeling very good and energetic and not hungry at the end of day 3).

 

*

 

New season

Let's hope spring is finally here.

Sunny and warm today, holding my breath though.

 

*

 

Hopefully, I'll be back soon and ready to check out some of my blogmates that I have missed.



missing you

 

 

dear blog.....i miss you

i will come back to you

hopefully sooner rather than later

 

and between now and then

'till I see you again

i'll be missing you

 

love me



Hidden Memories

I've been thinking a lot about a thought that came to my head
Came from something somebody posted on facebook about liking yourself

I had a sudden, wouldn't call it epiphany,
more of a realization
That I cannot remember ever liking myself.

My first memory is of a shameful action.
standing in my crib no less.
And I have no memories since then of liking what I see in the mirror
Not as a whole, anyways

This summer my cousin Dagmar's parents came to visit
and spent a few days here
they brought with them some old pictures to give to my dad and I
Going through them I came across one of myself
Maybe about 15 or so years of age
the first words out of my mouth
were "God, I was so ugly"
I wouldn't have said that if I had thought first
but it blurted out and my stepmother looked at me,
 amazed that I could believe that
and that that would be my first, gut reaction on seeing that picture

Then today I was walking with my dog and pulled my mitten off with my teeth
as my hands were full of doggy leash and shopping bag
and I had to scratch an itch, hard to do with mittens on.
Anyways, as I pulled it off with my teeth I had an instant flashback
the feel of mitten wool in the mouth
the smell of wet mitten
and I was in the school yard, grade 2 or 3, not sure which
and I was doing the same thing and then let go of my mitten
as it dropped down attached by a crocheted string
that went through my jacket arms, attaching my mittens to one another
so they wouldn't get lost
Anyone who has grown up in a cold climate knows what I mean

I remember the girl, Angela was her name
who laughed at me and I can still hear her say in my head
"Haha...your mom still makes you wear your mittens on strings!!"

I had forgotten that memory, now, almost 40 years later,
it's at the forefront of my mind.
With so many others like it.

Whoever said that sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me
was so wrong.  I would take sticks and stones over words any day.

Silent is the Night

photo credit here

No I did not take this picture

my camera, almost brand new, is about to be sent off for repairs

apparently not able to withstand Monty bonking his head on it

And I'm not sure I could shoot in the dark anyways

but, in any case

taking Monty out before bedtime tonight

all is silent, all is bright

standing in the middle of a highway, albeit a small two-laner

not hearing a sound

i mean, utter silence

 no cars, no dogs barking, none of the summer night sounds of crickets or frogs

the only sound, if I listen real close, is the drum-like beat of my blood pulsing

through my temple

a car draws near on this silent sunday night

its sound muffled by the snow

by the time I hear it, whoosh, it's gone into the silence

and i hear nothing again

the sky above is starless and cloudy

yet enough light reflects from the clouds to the snow and back again

so that I do not need my flashlight

I am blessed indeed to live where i do

to be able to hear the silence

and appreciate its song