DARKNESS

i wonder whether the stresses 

are worth the pain

why are the bad times so much more magnified than the good?

is life worth the emotional struggles

the inner conflicts that constantly pit the evil me against the good me

the psychopathic tendencies against the pretended normalcy

born under the sign of gemini....the twins

could not be more suitable

the me known by some

and the me known by others

smart, witty, friendly, creative, loving 

smart, wily, loner, destructive, full of hatred

my blog is totally me

but only part of me

less than a handful know the both of me

the only ones who really know the danger of me

are those i task to protect me from my own evil potential

authorities to whom i tell all that i am capable of

who know much of what i have done in the past

i have paid my dues but the danger has not diminished 

and so

willingly i accept the external boundaries placed on my freedom

boundaries that are renewed over and over

to keep myself from horrendous acts

not for me, not for others

but for my children

my children love me and need me

who could explain to my dog where i went?

my husband has stuck through so much with me

i can't desert family in their time of need

and so i deal with it in the way i know how

cutting, burning, carving, destroying

because there is always some reason 

that holds me back

something that makes me say wait until next week

next week has not come

yet

Starry, starry night

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

 

My Grade 2 teacher, Miss McElhone way back in 1975

in a brand new, three-room plus one portable school

in smalltown Ontario

 (actually one big room separated into three by room dividers)

taught us that the number "googooplex"

was the highest number in the world,

one less than infinity.

 

(She also taught me the difference between its and it's,

and every time I am writing something and stop and think which

form I am using, I think of her, but that's beside the point.)

 

For the last couple of nights, Miss McElhone,

There have been a googooplex and one stars in the sky.

I wonder if you saw them too.

 

Truly awe-inspiring to realize how insignificant we are

In the general scheme of things. 

 

My world is my world

A different world than anyone else's

Just as everyone else's is different than anyone else's.

 

My world is defined by what my life revolves around.

My life revolves around my world.

 

But looking out at the incomprehensible vastness

of what is really but a fleck in the entire scheme

makes one realize just how insignificant we really are.

 

Some of us have changed the world

All of us have just changed our own slice of it

But there is nothing that any of us can do

To change the entirety.

 

Makes one a little humble

and it may not even be healthy to think that way all the time

because while we may not be able to change the universe

or even our earthly world

 

To someone

We may mean the world

 

                       -the end-

 

 

What I learned yesterday....

First off, I didn't realize when planning this post that the last post I wrote was also about deer.

 

Oh well. 

 

So, what I learned yesterday, while looking out of my home office window, is that

 

1.  Deer lick their netherparts just like dogs and cats.

~

2.  This particular doe and her fawn and beginning to feel way too comfortable in my yard,

munching on whatever turns their fancy.

 ~

 3.  My dog, much as I love him, is sometimes a little lacking

 in the sniffing and smelling department.

~

What I wonder is......are deer tongues slick and slippery like a dog's

or rough and dry like a cat's?  If these deer get any more comfortable in my yard,

I may just be able to walk up to them and find out!

 



Calling all Deer

 

I've stumbled upon a deer call

Fortunately I could never kill a deer

 

What happened was a couple of weeks ago while walking along a path with Monty

I idly plucked a pick of grass

and whistled it between my thumbs.

 

 

Up the path out popped a deer's head around a bush

the most comical and humanlike look it its face

of "WTF??""

 

I laughed aloud.

 

Today, I idly did the same thing along our road

and heard a rustling in the bush

so did Monty

Luckily there was a fence between the deer and us

Because this deer had a different look altogether

 

She looked furious.

 

To set the scene this doe has been hanging out in our area a lot this summer

with her two little baby fawns.

Last week on a walk I came across a little fawn dead on the side of the road

not a pretty sight

poor little thing

I wondered at the time if it was one of the pair.

 

So today, this doe popped out of the bush on the other side of the fence

and rather than bounding back in at Monty's barking,

She glared and charged.

Monty barked back at her

She took a step back and then charged again.

 

I know she would have no problem clearing the fence

but I have a hunch she had a little fawn back there

the only one left.

and possibly thought the screech of the grass whistle was her missing baby.

 

I called Monty back

threw away the blade of grass

and scurried on my way, Monty in tow.

 

I won't be blowing on grass any time soon.

 

 

photo credits here and here

Sunny and hot with internet outages.

 

What started out as a seemingly productive day

has come to an abrupt halt. 

 

To be fair, I suppose it depends on my definition of productive.

 

Thursdays are one of my "long" days, where I usually work for 7½ hours

I do medical transcription and it simply cannot be done without

an internet connection. 

 

So, for every blip in the connectivity, I get some laundry folded, or the bed made, or part of a scrapbook page done, or an iced coffee made, or a few lines of a blog written.

 

Productive, but not earning much money that way!

 

 

I think the Internet Gods that control my connection

are in bed with the weather man.

Every type of extreme, although that's not really the word given the extreme weather conditions that have plagued the world lately, but I can't think of a better word,

So, every type of odd weather,

that's not the word either.

If its unusually cold, hot, windy, rainy, snowy

We have outages.

 

Today it's about 30 I would guestimate (no idea what that is in Fahrenheit, sorry guys)

Not overly unbearable hot, but, hot for us with nary a cloud in the sky.

So, I am cursing my lack of production, hoping that my supervisor believes me

(maybe I should send her a link to this blog!).

 

Usually our weather can be summed up as this:

"Sunny and hot with some clouds and periods of coldness and rain with maybe some wind and a chance of frost or snow with possibly some lightening, repeat every 20 minutes."

 

That's when I can count on Mr Internet God to perform!

 

 



Hail to the Prince!

 

Prince George

 

While the world, well, some of us anyway,

eagerly anticipated the newest royal birth

(I was sure it would be a girl)

and then the name game

I was remembering the last two princes' births

 

I don't really remember William's, though I do remember his parents' wedding

But I vividly remember the announcement of the name of his sibling, Harry.

I thought to myself, "What a stupid name for a prince, or a baby in general, Harry."

 

I didn't realize at the time that it was a form of Henry. 

And even now, I question the judgement of the name, given the notoriety of King Henry VIII.

But now, 29 years later, who could think of Prince Harry as anything other than a Harry?

 

In this world of monikers such as Hopper, Apple, Kyd, Maddox, Blue and Fuchsia

(Google celeb's baby names!)

We could be assured that he would at least have a traditional name.

 

I was really hoping that it would not be Edward,

As King Edwards, historically, did not do well.

King Edward III died in battle

King Edward IV died as a fairly young man of some illness

King Edward V was one of the two lost princes in the tower, at 13 years of age he and his brother Richard having gone into the Tower of London and never were seen again,

their fate unknown to this day.

And King Edward VIII abdicating the throne for love, though that's probably not a bad trade-off, though it did wreak havoc.

 

So, we have a Georgie, named after his great, great grandfather no doubt.

Whether he will one day be King remains to be seen

in the greater scheme of things

whether he will be happy, that's all that any parent could wish for.

 

Prince William



 

Prince Harry

 

Say what????

 

I don't necessarily think that I am what used to be called "prudish"

but when I go to the doctor to get a refill of my prescriptions

and it is a doctor I have never seen before filling in at a walk in clinic

I don't really expect one of the first things for him to ask me

after seeing what meds I take

 is

"how is your sex life and your libido?"

"ummmm,,,,fine" I say hesitatingly

He advises me that

"you know vibration can help with that."

 

I'm wondering if he was thinking the same thing I was thinking

or if he had something else in mind entirely.

 

Whatever happened to a little bit of discretion???

 

Maybe I should have asked if he had any free samples.