No, I'm not depressed

I'm not depressed

I do not take pleasure in the things that I used to enjoy.

I haven't picked up my camera in weeks, don't take it with me wherever I go

Don't post or join in the conversations on my photography group's facebook page,

don't go to group photo sessions.

I don't go to Friday night cards anymore with my group of friends

That they are much better people that I am

That I don't deserve their company.

I've done some really bad things since springtime.

I skipped hockey Tuesday night 

and will have to force myself to go tonight.  

I haven't picked up a knitting needle, crochet needle or cross-stitch needle in months.

Haven't gone on bike rides around the lake

but that's because the bears this year are everywhere

and I don't want to surprise a mama with her cubs

or come between a papa and the berry bushes or apple trees.

 I'm not depressed.  

Those are definitely some of the signs.

But I've been clinically depressed before

and I know what that feels like.

I don't feel unfulfilled.

I still scrapbook and read.

I still work and enjoy my work for the most part.

I do enjoy my time alone.

I want time alone.  

The more time alone the better.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

The line in the sand.

Someone not too long ago shared with me their line in the sand theory

When I said that line is so often blurry

They said that no, on the contrary, it is very clear.

I thought about that, and still think about that a lot.

It has become a good analogy for me, a guideline.

The problem is the tide.

It comes in and washes away that line 

little by little until it is obliterated.

It gets to the point where I don't even know where it was.

I recently found out those tides have been coming at me for 36 years.

So, I start over once again and draw a new line.

Every time digging it a little deeper

gouging it with my heels as deep as I can.

The tides are a never-ending part of the universe.

As long as there is gravity and water, the tides will be there.

but maybe so is my ability

to keep on digging.

Until one day, the line will be there for good. 

Little things mean a lot...

Feeling blessed to have my 20-year-old son at home still

Have had a hard time lately

keeping it together

spent a week in the hospital.

Yesterday he came home and disappeared outside immediately

I called him but he didn't answer so wasn't sure where he went off to.

Then he walked in with a handful of wildflowers for me and told me he loved me.

How many 20-year-olds still pick wildflowers for their mothers?

I am blessed indeed. 

Down the hatch....

I visited the coast this weekend for my mom's 75th birthday

If she knew I was writing her age anywhere she'd be upset!

We spent the day in Vancouver,

taking the Skytrain to Canada Place

walking along the new portion of the seawall 

that now connects Canada Place to Stanley Park

Probably walked 15 km that day.

But this post is about this seagull

We watched him pluck a starfish from the barnacles

Fly with it to a dock 

and proceed to eat it. 

I expected him (or her) to tear it apart first

but nope.

He lifted his head and with some effort

swallowed it whole.  

It was fascinating to watch it literally make it's way down his gullet

Gave me the weebeegeebies to think of those arms and tentacles moving around inside.

Sushi anyone?

Texting and walking and macros.

Walking and shooting macro is hard, because your heart is beating faster. Walking and shooting macro while texting with someone is harder, and when that someone is making you angry, it's harder yet. Surprised these turned out I was shaking so bad.

Gonna try again

I have been finding that blogging has given way to facebooking.

Blogging is more artsy, more personal, and has introduced me to great people

But it takes more time.  

So easy to just post on facebook.

But blogging also offers the opportunity to have a permanent record in a diary form

Because you can print your blog pages, which I did once.

I have researched printing facebook posts in a book form, the one site I found was not very versatile in its choices.

So, when I make a facebook post, I am going to try to blog it as well.

I am going to try to resist spending an hour or more per day

visiting old friends.  I see most of you are still active and I miss you all.

Its' not because I don't want to, but because I don't want to end up deciding, yet again,

that blogging takes too much time.  Maybe I just need to prioritize again. 

So, if any comments are made, I appreciate them

and I am sure that I will visit you now and then

but I have to do this for me, and to create a record of me

and who I am, for myself and my children and maybe even my children's children.

Love, me

Kayden

 

 

Just when I was getting back into blogging,

my little unborn grandson passed away

and I had to take a break.

 

The poor baby had problems which would have made

life outside his mother's womb very difficult

 

but it still broke our hearts

We hope he's in a good place now.

 

Kayden, you'll always be in our hearts

and we will always wonder what could have been.