Day of blessing

In the midst of the darkness a day of light has come through

September 28 1992 and September 28 1994 were the two most special days

of my life,

the days that my sons were born

 

I was worried that I would be unable to enjoy the day

But a talk with my psychiatrist on Friday combined with the gladness of the day

Enabled me to put aside the darkness

if only for a day

 

After spending time with Trevor and his girlfriend

(Jeremy lives too far away at the moment, sadly)

I was able to go out for a walk with my dog and my camera

and enjoy myself and the surrounds for a change

The nicest walk I've been on for a while

 

I didn't have to notice the possibilities of bad

and was able to appreciate and see the good

 

It was a much appreciated reprieve from the last few weeks

It may not last forever but it lasted for the day

and has spilled over into today

 

The only thing to mar it

was that Monty bonked his anvil-like head against my swinging camera

and now I get a lovely little message saying "lens error, camera will turn off automatically"

That can't be good but I'm sure it can be fixed

I also tore a hole in my shirt climbing through a barbed wire fence

but that too can be mended

 

And if those can be mended

Maybe my broken psyche can be too

If not mended, maybe patched for a while.

 

The bad thing hasn't happened yet

It will but I am not so worked up about it right now.

Tomorrow my husband is back on night shift

and that's when the demons come

but for now, I will believe that I can ward them off again

 

and enjoy the good things in life.

You know the feeling......

 

That yucky gucky feeling in your gut

when you  know something decidedly unpleasant is coming up

but you don't know exactly how it's going to play out

or what it will do to you

 

you know it's going to happen

soon

but you don't know when

you just want it to be over with so that you can put it behind you

and start, again, at day 1.

 

you can't concentrate

you make way too many trips to the bathroom

if you were an alcoholic you could make the yucky gucky go away for now

if you were into drugs you could deaden the feelings

but you're not either one and it would just lead to more yucky gucky anyways

 

So sleep is the only option

You could enhance that sleep

Make it more of an unconsciousness than a sleep

You're capable of that, have done it before

but in the end, where does that get you

 

So, you wait with open ears and baited breath.

Get it over with and start anew.

 

 

picture found on google credit to here

They still need me.........

My boys are young men

Flown out of our nest

Making lives of their own

We hope we gave them the good foundations

we love them and are proud of them

but miss the little boys they were.

Then I get a phone call:

"Mom, I need help.....the instructions on the frozen vegetables 

say to add salt, but I don't have any.  Is it still okay to use them?"

~

"Mom, I need help.... I had a sudden thought that maybe the town

water isn't any good and that I'll get a disease from it, is it okay 

to drink it?"  (this from the one who has OCD and gets

sudden real fears about things like that)

~

"Mom, I need help....I can't figure out how to attach my resume to my email."

~

"Mom......I need help, I'm not sure how to fill out this form."

~

"Mom.....I need help, I don't know what to do about this problem with this girl."

~

It's good to know they still need me to help them with their puzzles and get them out of tight spots

some a little bigger than they used to be

and some smaller than what seemed like a huge problem when they were little.

~

It's good to be needed and good to remember in those darker days

that sometimes I don't like the world

but I may mean the world to someone.

~

Love you boys!

  DARKNESS

i wonder whether the stresses 

are worth the pain

why are the bad times so much more magnified than the good?

is life worth the emotional struggles

the inner conflicts that constantly pit the evil me against the good me

the psychopathic tendencies against the pretended normalcy

born under the sign of gemini....the twins

could not be more suitable

the me known by some

and the me known by others

smart, witty, friendly, creative, loving 

smart, wily, loner, destructive, full of hatred

my blog is totally me

but only part of me

less than a handful know the both of me

the only ones who really know the danger of me

are those i task to protect me from my own evil potential

authorities to whom i tell all that i am capable of

who know much of what i have done in the past

i have paid my dues but the danger has not diminished 

and so

willingly i accept the external boundaries placed on my freedom

boundaries that are renewed over and over

to keep myself from horrendous acts

not for me, not for others

but for my children

my children love me and need me

who could explain to my dog where i went?

my husband has stuck through so much with me

i can't desert family in their time of need

and so i deal with it in the way i know how

cutting, burning, carving, destroying

because there is always some reason 

that holds me back

something that makes me say wait until next week

next week has not come

yet

Starry, starry night

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

 

My Grade 2 teacher, Miss McElhone way back in 1975

in a brand new, three-room plus one portable school

in smalltown Ontario

 (actually one big room separated into three by room dividers)

taught us that the number "googooplex"

was the highest number in the world,

one less than infinity.

 

(She also taught me the difference between its and it's,

and every time I am writing something and stop and think which

form I am using, I think of her, but that's beside the point.)

 

For the last couple of nights, Miss McElhone,

There have been a googooplex and one stars in the sky.

I wonder if you saw them too.

 

Truly awe-inspiring to realize how insignificant we are

In the general scheme of things. 

 

My world is my world

A different world than anyone else's

Just as everyone else's is different than anyone else's.

 

My world is defined by what my life revolves around.

My life revolves around my world.

 

But looking out at the incomprehensible vastness

of what is really but a fleck in the entire scheme

makes one realize just how insignificant we really are.

 

Some of us have changed the world

All of us have just changed our own slice of it

But there is nothing that any of us can do

To change the entirety.

 

Makes one a little humble

and it may not even be healthy to think that way all the time

because while we may not be able to change the universe

or even our earthly world

 

To someone

We may mean the world

 

                       -the end-