Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Hidden Memories

I've been thinking a lot about a thought that came to my head
Came from something somebody posted on facebook about liking yourself

I had a sudden, wouldn't call it epiphany,
more of a realization
That I cannot remember ever liking myself.

My first memory is of a shameful action.
standing in my crib no less.
And I have no memories since then of liking what I see in the mirror
Not as a whole, anyways

This summer my cousin Dagmar's parents came to visit
and spent a few days here
they brought with them some old pictures to give to my dad and I
Going through them I came across one of myself
Maybe about 15 or so years of age
the first words out of my mouth
were "God, I was so ugly"
I wouldn't have said that if I had thought first
but it blurted out and my stepmother looked at me,
 amazed that I could believe that
and that that would be my first, gut reaction on seeing that picture

Then today I was walking with my dog and pulled my mitten off with my teeth
as my hands were full of doggy leash and shopping bag
and I had to scratch an itch, hard to do with mittens on.
Anyways, as I pulled it off with my teeth I had an instant flashback
the feel of mitten wool in the mouth
the smell of wet mitten
and I was in the school yard, grade 2 or 3, not sure which
and I was doing the same thing and then let go of my mitten
as it dropped down attached by a crocheted string
that went through my jacket arms, attaching my mittens to one another
so they wouldn't get lost
Anyone who has grown up in a cold climate knows what I mean

I remember the girl, Angela was her name
who laughed at me and I can still hear her say in my head
"Haha...your mom still makes you wear your mittens on strings!!"

I had forgotten that memory, now, almost 40 years later,
it's at the forefront of my mind.
With so many others like it.

Whoever said that sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me
was so wrong.  I would take sticks and stones over words any day.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Silent is the Night

No I did not take this picture
my camera, almost brand new, is about to be sent off for repairs
apparently not able to withstand Monty bonking his head on it
And I'm not sure I could shoot in the dark anyways

but, in any case

taking Monty out before bedtime tonight
all is silent, all is bright
standing in the middle of a highway, albeit a small two-laner
not hearing a sound
i mean, utter silence
 no cars, no dogs barking, none of the summer night sounds of crickets or frogs
the only sound, if I listen real close, is the drum-like beat of my blood pulsing
through my temple

a car draws near on this silent sunday night
its sound muffled by the snow
by the time I hear it, whoosh, it's gone into the silence
and i hear nothing again

the sky above is starless and cloudy
yet enough light reflects from the clouds to the snow and back again
so that I do not need my flashlight

I am blessed indeed to live where i do
to be able to hear the silence
and appreciate its song