Sunday, September 29, 2013

Day of blessing

In the midst of the darkness a day of light has come through
September 28 1992 and September 28 1994 were the two most special days
of my life,
the days that my sons were born
I was worried that I would be unable to enjoy the day
But a talk with my psychiatrist on Friday combined with the gladness of the day
Enabled me to put aside the darkness
if only for a day
After spending time with Trevor and his girlfriend
(Jeremy lives too far away at the moment, sadly)
I was able to go out for a walk with my dog and my camera
and enjoy myself and the surrounds for a change
The nicest walk I've been on for a while
I didn't have to notice the possibilities of bad
and was able to appreciate and see the good
It was a much appreciated reprieve from the last few weeks
It may not last forever but it lasted for the day
and has spilled over into today
The only thing to mar it
was that Monty bonked his anvil-like head against my swinging camera
and now I get a lovely little message saying "lens error, camera will turn off automatically"
That can't be good but I'm sure it can be fixed
I also tore a hole in my shirt climbing through a barbed wire fence
but that too can be mended
And if those can be mended
Maybe my broken psyche can be too
If not mended, maybe patched for a while.
The bad thing hasn't happened yet
It will but I am not so worked up about it right now.
Tomorrow my husband is back on night shift
and that's when the demons come
but for now, I will believe that I can ward them off again
and enjoy the good things in life.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

You know the feeling......

That yucky gucky feeling in your gut
when you  know something decidedly unpleasant is coming up
but you don't know exactly how it's going to play out
or what it will do to you
you know it's going to happen
but you don't know when
you just want it to be over with so that you can put it behind you
and start, again, at day 1.
you can't concentrate
you make way too many trips to the bathroom
if you were an alcoholic you could make the yucky gucky go away for now
if you were into drugs you could deaden the feelings
but you're not either one and it would just lead to more yucky gucky anyways
So sleep is the only option
You could enhance that sleep
Make it more of an unconsciousness than a sleep
You're capable of that, have done it before
but in the end, where does that get you
So, you wait with open ears and baited breath.
Get it over with and start anew.

Monday, September 16, 2013

They still need me.........

My boys are young men
Flown out of our nest
Making lives of their own
We hope we gave them the good foundations
we love them and are proud of them
but miss the little boys they were.

Then I get a phone call:

"Mom, I need help.....the instructions on the frozen vegetables 
say to add salt, but I don't have any.  Is it still okay to use them?"
"Mom, I need help.... I had a sudden thought that maybe the town
water isn't any good and that I'll get a disease from it, is it okay 
to drink it?"  (this from the one who has OCD and gets
sudden real fears about things like that)
"Mom, I need help....I can't figure out how to attach my resume to my email."
"Mom......I need help, I'm not sure how to fill out this form."
"Mom.....I need help, I don't know what to do about this problem with this girl."
It's good to know they still need me to help them with their puzzles and get them out of tight spots
some a little bigger than they used to be
and some smaller than what seemed like a huge problem when they were little.
It's good to be needed and good to remember in those darker days
that sometimes I don't like the world
but I may mean the world to someone.
Love you boys!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


i wonder whether the stresses 
are worth the pain
why are the bad times so much more magnified than the good?

is life worth the emotional struggles
the inner conflicts that constantly pit the evil me against the good me
the psychopathic tendencies against the pretended normalcy

born under the sign of gemini....the twins
could not be more suitable

the me known by some
and the me known by others
smart, witty, friendly, creative, loving 
smart, wily, loner, destructive, full of hatred
my blog is totally me
but only part of me

less than a handful know the both of me
the only ones who really know the danger of me
are those i task to protect me from my own evil potential
authorities to whom i tell all that i am capable of
who know much of what i have done in the past
i have paid my dues but the danger has not diminished 
and so
willingly i accept the external boundaries placed on my freedom
boundaries that are renewed over and over
to keep myself from horrendous acts
not for me, not for others
but for my children

my children love me and need me
who could explain to my dog where i went?
my husband has stuck through so much with me
i can't desert family in their time of need

and so i deal with it in the way i know how
cutting, burning, carving, destroying
because there is always some reason 
that holds me back
something that makes me say wait until next week

next week has not come


Sunday, September 1, 2013

Starry, starry night

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land
My Grade 2 teacher, Miss McElhone way back in 1975
in a brand new, three-room plus one portable school
in smalltown Ontario
 (actually one big room separated into three by room dividers)
taught us that the number "googooplex"
was the highest number in the world,
one less than infinity.
(She also taught me the difference between its and it's,
and every time I am writing something and stop and think which
form I am using, I think of her, but that's beside the point.)
For the last couple of nights, Miss McElhone,
There have been a googooplex and one stars in the sky.
I wonder if you saw them too.
Truly awe-inspiring to realize how insignificant we are
In the general scheme of things. 
My world is my world
A different world than anyone else's
Just as everyone else's is different than anyone else's.
My world is defined by what my life revolves around.
My life revolves around my world.
But looking out at the incomprehensible vastness
of what is really but a fleck in the entire scheme
makes one realize just how insignificant we really are.
Some of us have changed the world
All of us have just changed our own slice of it
But there is nothing that any of us can do
To change the entirety.
Makes one a little humble
and it may not even be healthy to think that way all the time
because while we may not be able to change the universe
or even our earthly world
To someone
We may mean the world
                       -the end-