Sunday, June 17, 2012

In the closet

If an unknown were hiding in my closet when I was home alone
What would they see?

The thought occurred to me as I was telling my dog that I came into the kitchen to make a second cup of coffee but that I forgot the cup in my office and that he's such a good dog for helping me remember it.

Like who cares??  Does he care?? 
He hears bla bla bla bla bla ba good dog bla bla bla bla office.
And remembers he left his bone on his bed
And heads to his bed in my office.

If there were a person in my closet
He would hear me talk to my dog and think I was not alone in the house.
Or he'd know I was alone in the house but think I had gone stir crazy.

Neither would be true.

If there were a person in my closet
He would see me do the Jack Sparrow walk down the hall,
trying not to let my overfull mug spill.

If there were a person in my closet
He would see me dance like no one was watching
and sing crazy, made up lyrics.

If there were a person in my closet
He would see me leave the bathroom door open
and prance around topless if it was just too darn hot in the house.

Speaking of nudity, if there were a person in my closet
He may even see me leap out of bed and run outside to close the car windows
 in my birthday suit and slip-on Crocs
If I heard it raining on the roof
He might even see me slip onto the gravel on my bare butt,
because Crocs are not made for prancing naked in the rain.
(Thank God I'm a Country Girl, John Denver)

If there were a person in my closet
He would hear me call myself a dumbass
countless times over
and would hear me laugh like a loon over my own dumbassness.
And hear me ask myself why others say I'm so smart.

If there were a person in my closet
He would see me soothe myself by rocking back and forth on my bed and cry for my mommy
If I had such bad menstrual cramps that I just couldn't take it anymore.

If there were a person in my closet and the phone rang,
He'd see me go look at the call display, and let the machine answer it more often than not
Because I'm really not a people person and have phonophobia
(Unexplicable fear of the telephone). 

If there were a person in my closet
He'd know me better than I know myself.

Maybe I should go clean out my closets!

(top photo courtesy of Michael Jackson's LP cover of In the Closet)


  1. I'm thinking I'm glad there is no one in my closet!

  2. Totally want to steal this idea for a future blog! Love it!

  3. Fantastic post! It made me laugh and has me thinking what a person in my closet would see. Good thing I'm cleaning out my closets, it needs to be done every now and again and now for sure it's going to be quite regularly just encase someone is in there watching me.

    P.S. They make non-slip track things for boots in the winter time, maybe they have them for crocs as well. ;-)


  4. Ha ha - I think you thought out loud what a lot of us (more shy types) think to ourselves ! Yep - done the birthday suit thing (changing by the pool - don't worry, we live out in the boonies) and I even laugh out loud at myself for doing really bonehead things (better than beating yourself up).

    Enjoyed this post immensely Joyce !

  5. This was so funny and I know that I will look at my closet in a different way from now on.

  6. Hysterical! Yes, if there was a person in my closet, they'd see and hear more than they'd like! OH, I do talk to myself as I did to Gypsy. And sing a lot. And dance a little! How fun!